Nancy Pelosi's first 100 days in office as Speaker of the House are now complete. Hard to believe it's only been that long, because it feels like an eternity. Anyway, I figured I'd take the time to honor the great accomplishments the woman has achieved during her tenure, and suggest where our noble speaker may go from here.

Syria - Peace

If it weren't for Nancy Pelosi, we never would have been able to curb one member of the Axis of Evil, and get them on our side. Now that Syria is our greatest ally against Al Qaeda, Shia Insurgents in Iraq, and the Iranian jihadist regime, we have nothing to worry about. And, because Israel and Syria are now at peace, Hezbollah is left out of funds and arms, and we can get rid of multiple terrorist groups with one stone. The United States, as well as the western world owes a deep debt of gratitude to the speaker-in-chief, because she gained us a most valuable ally in the war against terrorism.

We have gone from an axis of evil, to a triumvirate of justice. Syria, Iran, and the United States are now working hand in hand, together, to solve the problems of the world. These problems of course, originate in and around the United States, so it is essential for us to have outside world powers on our side if we are to fix our broken country.

An end to corruption

Now that there is no more pork-barrel spending, under-the-table deals, bribes, or backdoor handshakes, Washington is a much nicer, finer, and safer place to do business. Nancy Pelosi, by exercising her profound and powerful leadership skills have managed to get such porksters as Robert Byrd to cut all pork. Our government is now running far more efficiently than before, and all thanks to Nancy Pelosi. Our budget deficit has been cut, government spending has been controlled, and all without raising taxes on the middle class.

But thankfully, we got our $400 billion tax increase for those nasty, nasty rich folk. They are the demonsbane of our society, and we are much better off by making them pay. After all, why should they have the wealth when it's much easier to share? Our new alliance with Syria - also brokered quite thankfully by Ms. Pelosi - has shown us the benefit of sharing with people less fortunate then us.

And because the rich are so mean and nasty, our perfect and just government can take away their money without another thought, because they don't need it after all! They've got plenty.

An end to this terrible war

Thanks in large part to our new alliance with Syria, the Iraq conflict has been completely stopped. All sectarian violence has been cleaned up, and Iraqi's are widely seen shaking hands and hugging each other in the streets. "This is the best year of my life," Ahmed Abdul Abububi Aziz said, a Sunni Muslim who recently married his youngest daughter to a Shiite cleric, "Everybody is getting along, our nation is moving forward. This is a great time to be alive. Nobody is dying, nobody is being killed. The evil United States has finally learned that they don't have to interfere when they are in danger. Things will work themselves out."

Our withdrawal from Iraq is not yet complete, since 5,000 marines still have to come home. But this is just a small dent in Ms. Pelosi's side, and she will have completed this remarkable change by the end of the next month. Ms Pelosi has expressed disappointment that the withdrawal couldn't be finished in time for the first 100 days, but promises that during the next 100, we will have much to look forward to.

A(nother) New Friend

After seeing how successful speaking with Syria was, Nancy Pelosi has thankfully reopened negotiations with Iran. Not only have they dropped their entire nuclear program, promising to focus on oil refinement instead, they have begun to work with the United States to fix our own internal problems.

Thanks to Iran, the vicious profiling by police of Muslims getting in and out of airplanes has been abandoned. This practice caused the delay of an uncountable amount of Muslim-Americans, but Ms. Pelosi, with the help of Ahmadinejad have put an end to this terrible practice.

Finally and most importantly, thanks to Iran, Al Qaeda has come to the negotiating table. Through reasonable talks in which Nancy Pelosi was lead negotiator, the US and Al Qaeda have come to a truce. Al Qaeda will stop trying to kill Americans now, because they realize they are not all fascists like the Bush administration. Thanks to Nancy Pelosi, Al Qaeda has realized we're not so bad, and has stopped trying to "blow up the white house."

Abu Kamal Tutu Abubu, lead spokesperson for the Al Qaeda delegation - which met in San Francisco, hometown of Nancy Pelosi two weeks ago - said, "We hope we can put all our past differences behind us. Now that our brothers have been released from those concentration camps, we hope we can enter a new era of peace between our nations."

The Impeachment is under way

After calls from the public, originating from angry people who were upset with Pelosi because she wasn't living up to the mandate they gave her in November, Pelosi finally announced she would pursue the impeachment of our tyrant-in-chief. She has brokered deals with other House members - showing us once again how skilled a negotiator this woman is - and the decision to begin impeachment proceedings went off without a hitch, 430 to 5, with only 5 fascists who have now been imprisoned voting against the measure.

Pelosi again expressed her disappointment that the impeachment has not been concluded yet, but takes solace knowing that Vice President Dick Cheney resigned amidst allegations of mind control, and that a new Democrat, Harry Reid has taken his place.

"Reid will help to control this administration, until we can make him president." Nancy Pelosi said in an interview with Al Jazeera TV last week, from her home in Tehran.

All Americans are now equal

The racial injustices, demonstrated by certified KKK members like Don Imus and Rush Limbaugh, has been brought to an end, and African Americans make up 60% of all college entering classes each year.

On the economic side of things, the minimum wage has been raised to a powerful $35.00 an hour. Now even the lowest skilled Americans have the opportunity to earn a decent living, and raise their family in an environment only the richest people dreamed about before. This new era of prosperity for our country will likely continue for a long time, and its chief architect Nancy Pelosi will live on as it's chief proponent and backer.

Our border problems have been fixed

Since we are entering a new era of peace with Al Qaeda, and other former terrorist groups who wanted (formerly) to destroy us, there is no longer any need to secure the border. A blanket amnesty bill has been passed that helps these poorest members of society get their feet firmly on the ground, and start making a living for themselves and their families.

The Berlin-wall like fence has been torn down, in favor of watering stands and Taco shops, which sell authentic Mexican food to the weary traveler.

Every person in the Universe now has health care.

Thanks to Nancy Pelosi, huge amounts of taxpayer dollars have been shifted from funding unjust and unnecessary wars, into providing universal health care. While it was only her goal to pay for the health care of all Americans, Nancy Pelosi figured, "why stop there." In a statement released in late March, Pelosi said "We were so happy about the success of the program here in America, we figured, why stop? There are billions of people all over the world without adequate medical care, and hey! we've got the funds now to help them. That's why I'm announcing our Chinese Health Care initiative, which will bring health care to every Chinese person in China."

This last program has been so successful, it has followed by announcements for Zimbabwe, Pakistan, India, Russia, Mexico, South America, and Sudan. A new era of truly "universal" health care has been adopted, creating the healthiest society the world has ever seen.

We suspect that Nancy Pelosi will be announcing plans for health care on PGNXPTGH 599-44-2498444, an extra-terrestrial planet that has lifeforms. "Why should other races be deprived of health care," Pelosi is credited as saying after the Chinese campaign was announced.

Conclusion?

The reign of Nancy Pelosi has just begun. Though only elected for the next two years, at which time she will face re-election at the hands of the voters of San Francisco, it is likely that the legacy of Ms. Pelosi's first 100 days will live in history, as the greatest time of American advancement and achievement since the Revolutionary war. America has gone from being the byproduct of neo-Nazi's like Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, and George W. Bush, to being a state crafted truly out of the ideals of the founding fathers. If Thomas Jefferson could see our country today, a tear would develop in his eye, and he would let out a sniffle. "What a great place this has become - a true city on a hill" he would say.

To which Nancy Pelosi would respond "There are no cities. There are only citizens."

Such eloquence would not be lost on the author of the Declaration of Independence, and another tear would form.

The first 100 days in office of Nancy Pelosi, have been the greatest time America has seen in the last 200 years. Never have we been such a peaceful nation. Never have we not faced any threats. Never has crime been so low. Never have we been in such harmony with nature and the world. Now that everybody rides horses instead of driving those awful, awful cars, our environment too has been changed for the better.

There is unlikely to be a figure like Nancy Pelosi for some time to come. We should enjoy and make the most of the limited time we have with her, and revel in the accomplishments of our legislator-in-chief. Now that those crazy portions of the constitution - like those creating a presidency - have been abolished, Ms. Pelosi can finally get down to the real business of running a state. The real job of course, goes to Kofi Annan, who has been appointed - on recommendation by Ms Pelosi, Executive of the New World Order, and has become chief of the next world government. Ms Pelosi will merely head our delegation to this body. All the real decisions about our country will be made by Mr Annan, but it is believed that Pelosi and Annan have very similar visions.